Update.

Finals are over.

That means I can officially allow myself to realize that I leave in one month and two days for Reunion. Could that mean that there's a chance that, since I dreamt several years ago about things happening now, that what I hope for now may someday happen? God, I pray it's true.

The unimaginable part is how on earth I am going to become that person. I feel like a fifth-grader wanting to go to college. Well now I'm a college student, wanting to learn what it means to have compassion.

Ernest.

I wish I could come up with incredible titles the way Ernest Hemingway did. I mean, come on, "The Sun Also Rises"...? Incredible. My favorite title of all time is a chapter in Charles Frazier's Cold Mountain, "like any other thing, a gift."

The other day I was talking to a good friend about something I've been thinking through, praying about, and agonizing over for the past year. I said something along the lines of "... so now I'm just at a place where I have to accept things the way they are and move on with life." You know what she said back? "Yeah, but Laura, are you really doing that?"

Kudos to her for challenging me. Kudos to anyone and anything that can penetrate this ever-hardening shell of pride I keep myself locked in. I call that real friendship. Thanks, Lauren.

Honestly and frankly the answer to her question is No, I'm not. Why, you ask? Well, because this particular struggle is my favorite addiction. It's marvelously complex and unjustifiably simple at the same time. It surrounds me and occupies me. It envelops all I am and yet stands distinct from me. I don't know if it's in my power to change.

Yesterday the mother of my best friend growing up asked what she could do for my parents while my dad is sick. I didn't say anything of profound influence at the time, but later decided to hold quite firmly to a saying I learned as a child... a prayer my father taught me via a little golden statuette we once kept in the breakfast nook:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Indeed, serenity and courage have come easy enough at times... the wisdom is a work in progress.

(Pas)Nouvel Automne

Hmm, well let's see... what's new with me?

Pandora's Skinny Love station = an addiction that promises to assure me a good winter.

I get to go see all my lovely LSCC students this Friday night.

I get to go see Chicago next week.

I get to go live on an island in the Indian Ocean for six months, beginning in less than three.

And oh yeah, I chopped all my hair off. It was freeing, something I did entirely for me, and I haven't gotten upset at all.

What's not new?

I am still obsessed with autumn, and the changing/falling of the leaves only confirms this.

I still haven't seen Bob Dylan in concert, unlike many of my friends as of the next few hours.

I love my parents. (Which is always true, but especially so on days like today when I can spend time with them.)

I procrastinate.

I am still in the same situation as far as love-life goes that I've been in for the last year, but much more at peace with it. At least today I am.

I like to read. A lot. I crave it more than chocolate, which in itself should cause alarm.

Also, there are three Jacks in my life. One is Clive Staples "Jack" Lewis, who, though dead and brilliant, is currently aggravating me a great deal. You see, the first two books of his Space Trilogy were nothing short of glorious, but That Hideous Strength is taking about 130+ pages too many to get interesting, which is inconvenient due to aforementioned addiction plus my lack of free time. The second Jack is Philosophy Professor Jack Knight, who selfishly planned a test the same Thursday that I need to be in Chicago to get my French visa. The final Jack is my dear friend Cameron's dad, and I like him because he subscribes to the same theory that I do regarding my snicker-doodles: they're better than yours.

Last Wednesday (or at least the part of it after 2pm) was by far the best day of my semester. I got to spend time with good friends, got to see all my lovely LSCC coworkers and students that I worked with over the summer, got to hang out at the Wiley household (always a blessing), and THEN I got an email confirming my acceptance to study abroad next semester at Reunion Island. Glorious. I might have cried a little.

Summary of fall break: Driving, Lee's Summit gloriousness, lots of sleep, Liz's sweet family, Where the Wild Things Are, great food, eye contact with a Bengal Tiger (my favorite animal) at the Omaha Zoo, more great food, relaxation, sleep, time with great friends, more great food. Overall, I'd call it a success.

I'm sure I could write much more, but given the current time + reality of Philosophy test in the morning, I'd better do something to induce sleep... probably not drugs, don't worry.

"Nothing Good Happens After 2am"

There's something dangerous about late nights. Your mind goes to that ever-ambiguous "there" that stays safely in the distance during the earlier evening hours, and is practically non-existent in the glorious sunshine hours.

This time of night, especially when spent alone, makes me selfish.

But tonight I've re-realized that the world revolves not around me, but around something slightly to my left.

Wallace Stevens

There's something sacred about autumn. Yes, of course the trees change to pretty warm colors and the breeze drops in temperature to that thrilling type of a chill, but much more importantly, the air smells like autumn.

I think there's some kind of unwritten rule that you cannot full perceive anything with only one sensory organ system. The taste of a fresh apple would be decapitated without the accompanying sharp, sweet smell; the burn of the fire would be entirely surreal without the visual splendor of watching the flames lick your fingers.

In the same way, I think taking in the smell of autumn requires the whole of a person. The skin feels the warmth of the sun, the briskness of the wind; the mouth tastes the deliciously thick atmosphere... the air fills the sinuses with the scent of leaves and newness.

This is one reason I find this week's weather rather disappointing.

Another reason I dislike this particular couple days' worth of cold, grey rain is that my basement room became overnight what can only be described as "thoroughly soggy." I proudly boast that my tidy ways prevented anything but one solitary notebook from being ruined by the water. Oh well, who needs notes to learn Hebrew, anyway?

We studied Wallace Stevens in American Literature today. I want very much to like him, and perhaps I do. My one issue is this mindset of his that poetry/art could eventually replace religion. I always thought art was religion, only more real.

Anyway, I've decided that if I could ever meet Mr. Wallace "Best American Poet Ever Beside Robert Frost" Stevens, I'd ask him one question: How are you so very sure that life and death are mutually exclusive?

Addiction.

Chocolate chip cookies.

Obsession.

These two entities are synonymous.

Giver seeks Artist.

In high school, I took a personality quiz based on the work of Carl Jung in an English class. There are 16 different types possible, and I turned out to be an "ENFJ," or Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging type. I was proud to know that I was in the company of Abraham Lincoln, King David (of the Bible), and Mrs. Kelley, the teacher who administrated this quiz, and the closest thing to a real-life idol I ever had.

Anyway, I'll spare you the whole description, but here's a few of the qualities I find especially true of me in the eerily-accurate portrait they paint of the ENJF personality. I found the description on http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFJ.html. And in case you're wondering, you can't take the test without someone to administrate it, sorry.

Laura, summarized.

"...ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives with activities involving other people....

"ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

"Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJs have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused on being responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs.

"The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people. This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not reveal their true selves.

"People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest. Usually ENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things. They are generally bright, full of potential, energetic and fast-paced. They are usually good at anything which captures their interest.

"ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity....

"... They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching.

"ENFJs... will be unhappy in situations where they're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a human element. Living in the world of people possibilities, they enjoy their plans more than their achievements. They get excited about possibilities for the future, but may become easily bored and restless with the present.

"ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals. [I would like to think this one is true, at least.]

"ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.

"In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. "

So the moral of the story is, it's kind of nice to know there's some consistency to the way I am. I'm flattered that this type is called "The Giver," and I only wish it were more true than it already is.

Tall blonde female looking for ISFP ("The Artist") or INFP ("The Idealist"), as these are apparently my "ideal companion." Sounds good to me.

The Land of the Living

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him." - Pslams 62:1

I have very little of myself these days. Summertime proved quite worthy; I grew in knowledge and confidence. Somehow, though, I feel I've delivered myself right back into the hands of the pride that I fight so hard against.

I am full of hope and cravings, of desire and fear.

I know what I want. I'm not a very obedient child at the moment.

Je suis pas une fille bien elevee.

Music with lyrics has had little appeal to me over the past couple of months. Or at least, music with English lyrics. Icelandic is fine....

The truth is that as much as I like to talk, I've always been very bad at keeping diaries. Something about writing always intimidates me. But for now, you are my outlet.

I feel bottled up.

God is somewhere near, but my vision has been a bit foggy. I know why. It doesn't change it though. Knowing the facts doesn't always solve the problem. But that's where faith comes in:

"One thing God has spoken

two things have I heard:

that you, O God, are strong,

and that you, O Lord, are loving...."

~ Psalms 62:11-12

I cling to those two truths as the only reliable foundation I can fully depend on.

Outside of that, I trust no one. I am ready to find rest.